Traditional Chinese New Year but also to, when people are busy rush tickets home, but they left men left women face tangle. For example, my friend called Xiaoxiao on anxiously asked me: "If I do not go back to the New Year this year, and family relations will completely cracked?"
2014, Xiaoxiao just joined "Monkey big left" list. But recently, at the new boyfriend broke up six months and again, that "the New Year with a boyfriend back" commitment fear is unable to honor the parents. Sighed at the thought of parents, siblings Gesao fuss, relatives and neighbors vision tone, she just can not wait to pull a married man on the street, after the New Year after the divorce row.
Ill-defined cause "forced"
Many left men and women left their parents have been forced, but not all. Those parents are not forced not just because enlightened personality, but their family relations have healthy boundaries.
Like some of the boundaries marked out the boundaries of a thing or limit the scope or edges. At the psychological level, the boundaries between themselves and others is the fact that differences in cognitive, psychological boundary people can clearly recognize that, because there are differences between people is so everyone has a separate identity.
The relationship between family members is very close, but the more intimate the relationship, the more should have boundaries, the more should respect each other's independence, each role their duties, fulfill their duties, parents, parents do, children do childish things, interdependence and help everyone, but at the same time independent of each other. Only such family relations can develop healthily, otherwise it will bring all sorts of entanglement and suffering.
Xiaoxiao because grew frail, personality and too weak and dependent on, what should parents acting on their behalf, more than thirty years old and still need help mother housekeeping. Then the parents will naturally treat her as a child, like, trying to help her do they think she can not do something, thus "forced marriage" is produced.
Empathy to understand parents
Due to the weakening of the collective culture of the individual, the importance of the family unit, parents send their children older single hard not to do as their own responsibility. Most parents think that children are older single is their dereliction of duty, not of their own ability, they will have a sense of guilt and anxiety. Especially China relationship, people express greetings concern, in addition to "eat it." "Where are you going," include "How old is the child," "marriage yet." "There are objects yet," and this greeting in fact, not a small psychological pressure will give parents.
Further, born in the fifties and sixties, usually deep-rooted belief that life should be is to get married, if you do not get married is a problem, that is not normal, not if you do not live a happy married life. Overall, they believe marriage is the only source of human happiness (of course not the case).
So the parents at the time of "forced marriage", one is to take responsibility for the the other is to take the children to apply their own values to: They think that as long as the children got married, got married, I would be happy, you can a better life.
But more often, parents will be forced reason, or because they think that children mature, can not afford to own affairs responsibly, this could not help but want to help, just as Xiaoxiao parents.
Such a perspective implies that parents may not really understand the child's choice, the children love the way open to question, but their love is sincere, the starting point is good.
Deal with "forced" trilogy
First, read this article, so that they can understand their parents feel and why they reason forced marriages. Then carefully recall the past, to get along with their parents all the details to see what in the end is his own practice, so that parents feel they have a need to help you manage your would like to know after, during the Spring Festival holiday this year, we should try to use a conventional different styles along with their parents, in principle, to make them feel everywhere, children really grow up, wiser, more people than ever at ease.
Second, seriously and parents communicate. Time and timing of communication is very important, it is best to avoid the other brothers and sisters and friends, in the election and only you alone with parents, and parents feel more relaxed when communicating. Depending on your family atmosphere, you can decide whether you want to be the rest of the parents to explain their reasons, but that is not really important information. You most need to tell parents it is that you understand their situation, understand their feelings, but also understand that they are for hello. But now you've grown up, you know what kind of life they want, of course, clear that they really want a life partner is like. Let them know that you have been trying to pay for their own happiness, and you also have the ability to make their own to live a happy life.
Finally, you will need later in life, growing their own, able to get along with their parents as adults. Such as temper tantrums as a little child, but as adults to communicate with their for example, to do their own thing, regular for example, the first problem encountered is trying to find ways to solve, rather than to her parents for example able to rely on their own, rather than continuing to rely on their parents (including money, psychology, money).
If you can demonstrate in front of their parents behavior and attitudes of adults, parents really love their children will feel very pleased, naturally he will be able to confidently allow you to decide their own affairs, but not too much involved in your life. Conversely, it is also the best way to love their parents, so that parents will be able to focus on and enjoy life in his later years, instead of continuing to do for their children Auntie bother.
(Author: Xiao Xueping)
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